I looked at my own cervix.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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