So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I wish you could order shots online.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
