He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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