I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
