I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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