so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
