i will never coherently bang her
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
