I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
We are two peas in an std pod
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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