lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
