I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
