I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
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