did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
