Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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