You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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