How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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