I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Four minutes until I can fart!
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
