Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Everyone says I win the strip club
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
