I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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