Rock
Scissors
Fuck
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Randomize
