After last night, I could never be a politician.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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