my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
