I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
