i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
