I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
