So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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