Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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