i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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