Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
