Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
