I will die if light touches me.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
