I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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