she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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