I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
