My Higher Power is John Stamos
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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