What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
if only i could text you this smell
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
