There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
