I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Randomize
