yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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