You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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