If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
