so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
