I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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