mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
