On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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