saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
