I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
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