The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
