He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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