She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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