Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Watching her eat just hurts me
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
