Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
What did we do last night that was yellow?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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